I used to be a typical social anxiety sufferer, especially uncomfortable when interacting with strangers. Whenever I was in a crowd, I would instinctively scrutinize myself, afraid that others would notice any imperfection. Even with thorough preparation, I couldn’t avoid feelings of anxiety. Whenever I said something wrong or made a mistake in social situations, I would fall into deep self-blame and reflection, convinced that I had committed a serious error.

Once, I made a major mistake at work. Afterward, I was filled with regret and nervously apologized to everyone involved, even preparing to take responsibility for compensation. To my surprise, no one blamed me; instead, they showed great tolerance and understanding. This experience made me deeply realize that we often overestimate how much others pay attention to our actions and appearance. Psychologists call this the “spotlight effect,” the tendency to believe we are the center of others’ attention and to exaggerate our flaws and shortcomings in their eyes. In reality, we are not the focus of others’ attention every moment.

The Truth Revealed by Psychological Experiments

To further verify this phenomenon, psychologists conducted an experiment.In a study, researchers instructed a group of Cornell University students to wear T-shirts displaying embarrassing images as they entered a classroom. While the students believed that roughly half of their classmates would notice the shirts, only about 23% actually did. This result shows that we greatly misunderstand how much others pay attention to us.

Additionally, studies found that whether participants made positive or negative contributions in group discussions, they always overestimated the impact of their behavior on others. Interactions with others are often not as important as we imagine; people are usually more focused on themselves.

Reducing Anxiety and Living More Lightly

In real life, I have deliberately tried to highlight features or behaviors I thought were very noticeable, only to find that people around me didn’t pay much attention. I began to realize that relationships between people are not as judgmental as we think; most people are busy with their own affairs rather than scrutinizing your every move.

By stopping this excessive self-focus, we can face social occasions more easily and enjoy the pleasure of interaction. After all, others don’t remember whether your pearl earrings are new or whether you told a funny joke. They care more about the confidence and radiance you give off.

Free Yourself and Live More Freely

After reading about these psychological principles, I relaxed a lot. While reflecting on our behavior helps us find and correct mistakes, excessive focus on our flaws only traps us in anxiety and prevents us from truly enjoying social interactions. Gradually, I learned to relax and stopped worrying excessively about every small mistake.

If you have also experienced social anxiety, try changing your mindset. You can tell yourself that others don’t pay as much attention to your every move as you think. Whether you make mistakes or feel embarrassed, it’s not worth letting yourself get overly upset. Learn to accept yourself and do what you love; others will be attracted by your naturalness and authenticity.

The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Social Anxiety

That said, social anxiety can sometimes be linked to experiences from early childhood. Psychological research shows that those who suffered neglect, criticism, or emotional harm in childhood often develop a shameful sense of “self-defect” and are more prone to social anxiety as adults. Children who experienced criticism, humiliation, or emotional coldness often internalize these traumas as the belief “I am inherently imperfect,” leading to constant self-doubt in social situations.

Fortunately, psychologists have found that emotional clarity can help people overcome social anxiety. By accurately identifying and expressing one’s emotions, we can reduce the negative effects of shame and thus decrease social anxiety. For example, keeping an emotional diary to record and analyze feelings in social interactions can help us better understand our true inner thoughts.

In short, others do not pay as much attention to you as you imagine.Take a deep breath, embrace your imperfections, and channel your energy into personal growth and finding joy in social interactions. In the end, you will find that socializing is no longer a burden but an experience that brings joy and growth.